Nonfiction Pizza Party

 Dear Lena Dunham,Will you be my sugar momma?As you may have heard, you just sold your first book, the essay collection, Not That Kind of Girl: A Young Woman Tells You What She's Learned to Random House for $3.7 million. The New York Times reported that your book “will cover topics like work, friendship, travel, sex, love and mortality.” What a coincidence, I enjoy many of those same things and worry about all of them.Don't worry, I'm not interested in appearing on your HBO show, Girls or pulling myself up your literary cardigan (vintage). My motivation is purely financial. I've never watched Girls or your film, Tiny Furniture. Full disclosure: I don't do dishes.You're probably mad busy, so I could brainstorm ways for you to spend all that cash. Free example: Pay Jack White to come over every morning and cook you creepy omelets.I've been told that your character on Girls is a young nonfiction writer struggling to break through. I happen to be twenty-five, about the same age as Fake Lena, and could give you notes and what that's like. I won't be successful for many years, and anyways, rejection slips can't stop, won't stop.And apparently you like getting naked on camera. It's cool, I went through a mooning phase in high school. We r who we r, as a great artist once said.I would be happy to share both my paperback and baseball card collections. Also, I'm willing to institute a Gosling Rule, which states you can ditch me for Ryan Gosling at any time, but I get the scorpion jacket from Drive.The ball's in your court.XOXO.David Bersell